I grew up without a father in my home. However, I had a wonderfully strong mother who effectively served the dual role of mom and dad. She surrounded my brother, sister and I with so much love and experiences that even some children with two-parent homes aren’t fortunate to have.
There were various representations of family in the neighborhood I was raised in. Some families were like mine and only had a mother in the home, others had a mom and a dad, some had grandparents raising the children, and some children in my neighborhood were raised by older siblings or other extended members of the family such as aunts.
Though my mother wanted my father to be involved in our lives, he wasn’t. Quite frankly, we were not a priority to him. My mother never spoke badly of our father, she never degraded him to us or attacked his character. If we had questions about him, she would give honest answers but she never spoke ill of him. Growing up, I couldn’t understand why my mother wasn’t angry that he had abandoned us. I couldn’t comprehend why she wasn’t bitter, or why she refused to force him to be a more engaged parent, if for no other reason than to relieve some of the financial strain she experienced.
As I matured and became a young adult, I realized that no one can force anyone to be a good parent. I realized paying child support or contributing in other financial ways doesn’t guarantee that person will be an active participant in their child’s lives. When I got older, I would also understand talking bad about an absentee dad wouldn’t make him an active dad, nor would being angry or bitter. My mother knew all of these things and because of her knowledge, she saved my siblings and I a lot of grief and herself a lot of heartache and bad karma.
Between my brother, sister and me, I was by far the most inquisitive. I’d often ask our mother very deep, thought-provoking questions. One day, the topic of our father came up. I can’t recall why the subject was raised, but I do remember one key thing my mother said to us: “you can’t miss what you never had.” Our mother went on to explain that though we knew our father wasn’t around, since he had never been in our lives, we could not miss him or even the actions of a father because we never experienced such a thing.
That statement our mother said — along with so many other life lessons she instilled in us — stuck with me for a very long time: “you can’t miss what you never had.”
As the years progressed, I realized that she was correct. I would often wonder what having an involved father felt like, but I didn’t miss it because, well, what was there to miss? I didn’t have a point of reference.
Now I have a point of reference.
I watch my husband interact with our son everyday and it is such an amazing thing to witness. The love in Robert’s eyes as he looks at our special blessing from God warms my heart over and over again. The way Robert protects me and Nicholas, the way he supports us, the way he loves us is beyond anything I could have ever imagined. And even when Robert is disciplining our son or tells me not to run to his aid for the smallest thing, I know that he is steering our family in the right direction because he understands our bubbly baby boy will eventually became a man and he has to possess certain skills, strengths and characteristics.
Nicholas is blessed to have both a mom and a dad in his life — collectively, Robert and I will give him the proper balance he needs in the coming years. Fortunately, I won’t have to carry the load of raising a child alone because I know from my mother’s experience and the experiences of many of my friends and relatives, such a load can be incredibly heavy, as it requires a level of strength, endurance and ingenuity that exceeds the capacity of some.
My mother was rare. She did a great job raising us, educating us, exposing us to opportunities, and demonstrating true love. But just because she excelled at single parenting doesn’t mean she should have had to do it on her own.
It simply wasn’t right for our father to leave such a lofty task on my mother. It’s not right for any man to do such a thing to a woman. Recognizing how some men fall short makes me appreciate the actions of other men, like Robert, who step up to the plate and do right.
This Father’s Day, encourage the men who are doing right by their children. Tell them how their actions are noteworthy. Encourage them to stay the course, even if there is drama or tension with the child’s mother.
Children deserve quality fathers in their lives. Though I didn’t have such an opportunity as a child, I am thankful I get to experience the benefits of a father through the eyes of my child. I salute my husband and all the real fathers out there who are active, consistent and reliable figures in their children’s lives.
