Before saying “I do,” many couples seek counseling to answer important questions about their relationship to ensure the lifelong decision they’re embarking upon remains just that – lifelong.
However, after the first year of marriage, generally called “the honeymoon period,” things begin to settle as couples have kids, finish their educations and purchase homes, and problems often arise. In fact, research has shown that most divorces happen during the first five years of marriage.
How can married couples make the honeymoon last forever? Some professionals and married couples believe post marital counseling is just as important as talking with someone before exchanging vows.
At Friendship Missionary Baptist Church, they recently completed an eight-week marriage seminar with 30 couples focusing on the importance of having God at the center of the relationship. At the conclusion of the seminar couples celebrate with a marriage renewal service.
“People grow apart and we wanted to have a seminar that showed if you apply the principles that were given out of God’s words marriages can be saved,” said Rev. Ronald Covington, pastor of Friendship. “There are just as many divorces taking place in the church than outside the church. God ordained marriage and I think the church has a responsibility to help couples stay together.”
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 60 percent of marriages for couples between the ages of 20 and 25 end in divorce and 50 percent of all marriages in which the brides are 25 or older result in a failed marriage.
James and Michelle Winters married after they completed college. Three years after saying “I do,” they welcomed their first child and moved from a two-bedroom apartment to a four-bedroom home. Soon after, James lost his job. They had been married five years and were on the verge of separation.
“It was hard. There was so much going on that we both forgot why we got married in the first place,” said Michelle. “We went to church but God wasn’t a part of our daily lives. For us, counseling and having a marriage centered around God and what God says a marriage is supposed to be saved us.”
Although the Winters did not participate in Friendship’s marriage seminar, Michelle appreciates the church’s realization of its role in the lives of married couples.
“There is a lot of counseling before you get married,” she said. “But, you don’t often hear about counseling to help you stay married.”
In the Friendship seminar, sessions included topics such as Forgiveness in Marriage, Intimacy, Boundaries in Marriage and The World’s Formula vs. God’s Formula for Marriage. Covington says it was important to cover a wide range of topics because every marriage is different.
“The church has a great responsibility and if you apply God’s formula to marriage, it works,” he said. “The world’s formula says find the right person, fall in love and fix your hopes and dreams on this person for your future. God’s formula says become the right person, walk in love and seek to please God in the relationship.”
While several area churches have marriage seminars similar to Friendship, not all married couples deem it necessary to receive counseling inside a church.
Ronald and Hadiah Rice were married for five years before divorcing after failing to find a common ground of communication in their relationship. They’ve since remarried one another, but three years later found the same issues arising again. Instead of seeking help at church, they were referred to a counselor at the Christian Theological Seminary’s Counseling Center.
“We’re more spiritual people and believe that church is in you. However, we try to really look at the core of our spirituality, which God is the core,” said Hadiah. “For us, it’s making sure we’re being true to ourselves and true to our spirit, which helps us put a lot of ego aside. It’s about putting yourself to the side and looking at the core of the spirituality of your relationship.”
When couples seek out the services offered at CTS’ Counseling Center, the main area of concern is communication said Ashley Jacobs, a counselor at the center.
“It often means a lot more than just what I say, he or she doesn’t understand,” Jacobs said. “The counselors here work really hard to meet people where they are.”
Hadiah said the counseling she and her husband received at CTS has done wonders for their marriage. Their one-and-a-half year counseling sessions provided them with the necessary tools they needed to communicate better, which in turn has made the Rices stronger.
“We learned how to speak each other’s language and understand through our own filters what each other was trying to say,” Hadiah said. “When I look at couples who’ve been married over 20 years, counseling has been the core of a lot of relationship maintenance. I don’t think a marriage can survive without counseling because as you grow you change, and as your relationship grows, it changes.”
