In the past couple articles, we’ve examined “love,” looking at the different types (agape, phileo, eros), as well as the difference in how women and men feel it (protected and secure versus respected). Now would seem to be a good time to really look at what love actually is.
Setting the standard
Often, 1 Corinthians 13 is referred to as the “love chapter.” Verses 4–7 tell us what love is (patient, kind) and what it always does (protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, rejoices with the truth). On the flip side, it also says what love is not (proud, self-seeking, easily angered), as well as what it does not do (envy, boast, dishonor others, keep records of wrongs, delight in evil).
It’s interesting that this chapter gives us both the positive identifiers as well as the negative ones. Why is this important? Because, while we are looking for someone who embodies those positive attributes, it’s equally as important to recognize and avoid those who seem more consistent with the negative ones.
Who are you really dealing with?
How hard is it for salt to be salty? Of course the answer is not at all, because that’s what it is. Salt is salty. However, it’s very hard for sugar to be salty, because, well, that’s not what it is. It would have to act that way. So what does this have to do with love? Pretty simple. The “love” attributes don’t talk about how love acts; they talk about how love is. Anyone can act for a short time, but how are they really?
If a person is mean and unkind to everyone but you, then that’s who they are … they just haven’t gotten to you yet. But it’s coming. We all know someone (maybe us!), after a relationship has ended, sitting with friends saying, “I can’t believe they were like that!” And what do those friends say? “They were ALWAYS like that; you just didn’t see it!”
Oh, and I’d just like to speak to the females for a second here. That whole thing about, “If you really want to see how a man is going to treat you, see how he treats his mother and his sisters”? Forget that. He’s related to them! You need to see how he treats the restaurant workers, the sales clerks, people he doesn’t know. Even exes! How he treats them is how he truly is. (Gotta admit, my whole love of the SOS Band and “Just Be Good to Me” really took a hit on this one!)
So how will I know?
There are some women I know who, if we were the last two people on earth, it would have to stay that way. That’s because I’ve seen how they are, how they operate, how they treat people. Since there wasn’t a romantic interest, there was no reason for pretense. I was able to see the real person.
There are so many players out there and so many games being played. How do you really know who a person is? Again, simple answer: time. Take your time to get to know a person, who they really are and what they’re all about. What is their normal, their “default”? And how does that not only line up with what the Word says, but also what you’re looking for in a mate? Because that’s who you’re committing to!
Chris and his wife Diane teach the “Saying I DO” classes at Eastern Star Church. They can be contacted through their company “Marriage Making Sense” (marriagemakingsense.com).
