How does a mother say to her kids, “I have breast cancer?”
Being diagnosed with any cancer is intimidating, but the weight of having to tell children that the person they think is invincible is sick is a heavy load.
Kay Guidry, licensed clinical social worker at the IU Simon Cancer Center, says if you are a parent, especially with young children, a major responsibility is to help your kids understand the diagnosis and the process, and to be direct.
“It’s important that you frame it age appropriately. If your child is a teenager or younger, you’re going to have a different conversation,” she said. “It’s important to understand that children know something is different, which means you have to be proactive when you talk to them. Use the word cancer because if you tell a young child that mommy is sick, when they get sick they’ll relate it to, ‘am I going to get what mom has?'”
According to the American Cancer Society, 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer and there are currently 2.6 million survivors.
Camille Wiggins, 45, is one of those survivors. Diagnosed last year, Wiggins is the mother of four, ages 12, 9, 8 and 6.
“I was very careful in my discussion with them. I was careful in the timing with what I shared and with whom I shared it. The diagnosis and everything I was dealing with at the time hit me like a train,” she said.
A month before her diagnosis, Wiggins’ mother-in-law had died of cancer and her children shared a close relationship with their grandmother.
“The challenge of bringing another illness into our home for discussion was difficult,” she continued. “The idea that someone had cancer and they died was really in my head when I needed to talk with my kids because at their age the connection is, then you die.”
While Wiggins had to be cautious discussing dying and cancer with all of her children, she also had to be especially careful with her daughters, one of whom was developing breasts at the time.
“I was sensitive to what she would understand and know about breast, breast health and breast cancer,” she said. “I wasn’t quick to give her a lot of information because I wanted her to have a healthy understanding of breast development.”
What is unique about breast cancer and parenting is that even in the midst of a diagnosis and sickness, women still want and need to be mothers. For instance, the morning after her mastectomy, Wiggins, in extreme pain still awoke to make sure her children got off to school. The lesson she learned was that after subsequent surgeries, her kids were unaware of how much she was hurting physically, mentally and emotionally.
“I learned to be kind to myself and do the things I know I’m capable of doing,” she said. “You have to learn how to say no and feel the release and freedom of saying no.”
The bottom line when talking with children about cancer is honesty. Guidry says there is no right or wrong way to tell kids that mom or dad has cancer. But, be careful not to wait too long and be open.
“If you want your children to feel comfortable talking to you, you have to make that upfront the priority,” she said. “You have to express your fears, especially with older children. Let them know that it’s scary and there are days when you don’t feel well, and days when you feel great. Say to your kids, ‘I want you to talk to me, the same way I’m talking to you.'”
For Wiggins, she remembered how she felt when her mother was diagnosed with cancer when she was just 10 years old.
“I dealt with my kids with as much honesty as they could handle because in my mind, they needed to see that mommy was OK,” she said. “That’s how I felt when my mom had cancer. I just wanted to know that she was OK.”
