“Papa was a rolling stone, Wherever he laid his hat was his home,
And when he died All he left us was alone.”
“Papa Was a Rolling Stone” by The Temptations (1972)
This popular song was recorded exactly 40 years ago this month, and is still a compelling reminder of how fathers should not be.
In the song, a son asks his mother about an absent, irresponsible father who “never worked a day in his life,” had “three outside children and another wife” and would “beg, borrow, steal” to pay his bills. He was “never much on thinking, and “spent much of his time chasing women and drinking.”
As Father’s Day approaches, local organizations and activists are working to not only honor responsible fathers, but also give support to those who have been unresponsible.
A good father
On Father’s Day June 17, millions of people across America will give gifts to men they consider good fathers. However, some may wonder what the actual definition of a good father is.
“He is present in the lives of his children,” said James Melton, family services manager for Fathers and Families Center in Indianapolis. “A good father is not just a good provider, but is also there for his children, and builds a noble legacy of fatherhood that can be passed on to his son(s).”
Established in 1993, Fathers and Families Center is a non-profit agency that helps fathers become responsible and involved parents. The agency offers various programs that strengthen parenting skills and increase educational and employment advancement.
Melton noted that all fathers must often overcome challenges, but African-American fathers have to also deal with especially difficult obstacles such as disproportionately high rates of unemployment and incarceration.
“That is why it is important that we, as a community, keep good fathers encouraged,” Melton said.
To that end, on June 14, Fathers and Families Center hosted its annual Faces of Fatherhood Luncheon, sponsored by Citizens Energy Group, where area fathers were honored for positive involvement in both the lives of their children and the community.
“We wanted to recognize and highlight what good fathers are doing,” Melton said.
The need for strong, active fathers for youth is great, as various statistics show. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 80 percent of Black households were led by both a father and mother in 1950, and that number had fallen to 34 percent by 2000.
In Indiana, the percentage of Indiana high school students who attempted suicide in 2010 (17.2 percent) was higher than the national average (13 percent), according to the Indiana Youth Institute. Nineteen percent of African-American students made suicide plans, compared to 12.7 percent of whites and 9.6 percent of Hispanics.
Absent fathers
Of course, not all fathers can be described as “good,” and instead could be classified as “absent,” “deadbeat” or “uninvolved.” What happens to these fathers? Why don’t they seem to take an interest in the lives of their children?
Perhaps it is because they did not have a decent model of fatherhood growing up, according to Ronald Warren, president of the National Fatherhood Initiative.
“It’s difficult to be what you don’t see,” Warren said. “Accordingly, as a nation, we have to ask this question – how does a culture that promotes and, too often, celebrates father absence, create an environment in which boys develop a desire to one day be present and involved fathers? The issue is not just what kind of men our boys will be, but also, what kind of fathers they will become.”
Melton said another factor that can interfere with good fathering is not being ready or mature enough for the responsibility. Some fathers are also reluctant to exercise their parental role due to fear of failure.
“Also, some dads want to be involved, but don’t know how to be a co-parent from different households, Melton said. “Maybe mom’s the gate keeper, and the attitude is ‘if you’re not going to be with me you can’t see your child.’ So maybe for the dad, it’s better in his mindset, right or wrong, to just walk away from the picture completely.”
Melton further noted that some men mimic the behavior they witnessed as children.
“The idea is that ‘if my dad had multiple children with multiple women I may do the same thing,’” Melton said. “Even if I don’t have the time or resources to really father all the children.”
Retooling fathers
Men who want to be better fathers do have options such as the Fathers and Families Center, which provides young and expecting fathers with programming that not only helps them become good parents, but also employment counseling, career planning, job placement, GED preparation, anger management and personal financial classes.
“The goal is to help these fathers become self-sufficient, give them a second chance at parenting and make it easier for fathers to be a part of the lives of their children,” Melton said. “I think that most men are wanting to take advantage of the services that will equip them to be better fathers. We have never had a fatherhood engagement class that was not filled to capacity.”
Filling the void
In some cases, a father is absent or inactive in a child’s life not because of unwillingness, but factors such as death, distance and incarceration. In those cases, local community organizations and churches can fill the void as best as they can with mentoring.
“Many of the problems we see in communities would be solved if every child had a long-term mentor relationship in their life,” said Bill Stanczykiewicz, CEO of the Indiana Youth Institute (IYI).
Organizations such as the 100 Black Men of Indianapolis; Big Brothers, Big Sisters; the Indiana Mentoring Partnership; and the Center for Leadership Development provide men with opportunities to make a positive difference in the lives of area youth.
“We need to spend time with our young people because they need a caring adult in their lives,” said Murvin Enders, executive director of 100 Black Men of Indianapolis, which offers numerous group-mentoring activities and events. “All youth need a role model they can talk to, bond with and establish a relationship where they can depend on help in decision making.”
Enders and Melton agreed that having a father figure, or a strong male role model, is important to both young men and women. Boys need examples of responsible manhood to follow, while girls can benefit from knowing what kind of good qualities they should one day look for in a potential husband.
Melton said, “We have a volunteer in our program who often says something that is so true, ‘Be the type of man you want your son to be, and the type of husband you want your daughter to marry.’”
