Editor’s note: Some of the names in this report have been changed in deference to the wishes of the families involved.
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Domestic abuse affects more than the abuser and the abused – it affects families, friendships and communities. Oftentimes people are left wondering “should I call the police?” “Should I confront the abuser?” “How can I help them escape?”
Julie Marsh, CEO of the Domestic Violence Network, said one of the primary reasons bystanders don’t know how to address abuse is because of fear.
“We dismiss or minimize it. We don’t want to believe this person would harm the one we love. Sometimes we don’t want them to retaliate against us,” added Marsh. “You’ve got to say something.”
The Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence agrees that bystanders should express concern, and assure the victim it’s not their fault.
Marsh empowers all to take a stand against domestic abuse, but warns not to become hasty, judgmental or overly suspicious. Furthermore, it can take the abused multiple attempts before they successfully leave the relationship.
The key is to know the signs, which include frequent injuries; fear of the partner; frequent calling in sick to work or missing engagements; isolation from friends and family; personality changes; constant calls or text messages; no or limited access to money or a vehicle; and an anxiousness to please among others.
It’s important to note that abuse is defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, or economic and any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, or hurt someone.
Domestic abuse can happen to any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender.
“You can’t tell somebody what to do, but one of the best things you can do is help them develop a safety plan,” said Marsh. “If they don’t want your help, just be there for them.”
Experts encourage people to become more educated on abuse and understand there are plenty of resources if a situation arises. Following is further advice from individuals who have been bystanders of domestic abuse.
Listen to your instincts
Last week, readers learned about “Lynn” and her daughter “Bridget” who was shot twice in the head and killed by her emotionally abusive boyfriend, “Kevin.” Although Lynn was unaware of how much damage he had inflicted on Bridget, upon meeting Kevin, she believed he was bad news for her daughter.
“He wouldn’t look me in the eye,” said Lynn who advises that loved ones should listen to their inner voice. “Trust your instinct. Treat it as if something isn’t right about that person, then find out the truth.”
Ask others for help
Cheryl and “Jennifer” had been friends for quite some time. Jennifer was a college-educated professional moving up the corporate ladder.
While visiting her son in a Virginia prison, Jennifer met “Matthew” who was also incarcerated.
“She was smitten. I told her at our age, you need to take it slow,” said friend Cheryl. “He was so charismatic, articulate and knew the Bible. She said ‘he’s protecting my son.’ He caught her at a vulnerable point in her life.”
Jennifer began to write Matthew in prison, send him money and talk about him more. When Matthew was released from prison, they were married. Matthew moved to Indianapolis and Jennifer attempted to incorporate him into her lifestyle – very few people embraced him.
Cheryl, who works for an Indianapolis domestic abuse agency, also saw Matthew’s manipulative ways and reminded Jennifer of warning signs of abuse. Eventually Jennifer withdrew from her friends and family.
After a long hiatus, Jennifer contacted Cheryl at 3:30 a.m. and confessed that she was being abused. Jennifer was instructed to go to Cheryl’s job and put in a protective order against Matthew. She completed the order and returned home.
Cheryl arrived to work later that day and heard that police had found a woman dead in a closet with a belt around her neck – it was Jennifer. Cheryl said that Matthew has not been charged with Jennifer’s murder.
Cheryl advises that people not remain silent about abuse and use the trusted advice of others to develop a plan.
“I value the opinions of my co-workers and I talked with them about (Jennifer) because I thought I was too close to the situation. I went back to her and said ‘I’ve talked with other people and they agree with me. He’s not good for you,'” added Cheryl.
Talk with teens
“Carol” was abused by her parents, then by two husbands. Her three children witnessed some of her abuse.
“Joseph” has memories of his stepfather abusing his mother as early as age 4. Sixteen-year-old “Jaime” recalls how often the police would come to their home and said they never really helped her mother. At a young age, she and her 14-year-old sister “Janell” developed a fear and mistrust of the police and people in general.
“(My dad) would say ‘If you tell someone I’m going to hurt you.’ He instilled fear in us,” said Jaime. All three children were also physically and/or sexually abused.
The breaking point for Carol was when she was attempting to leave and her ex-husband beat and raped her. Her neighbor heard the commotion and called the police. When police arrived, he was trying to strangle her with a vacuum cleaner cord.
It’s been about 10 years since the abuse and Carol and her children have slowly moved on. She is now an advocate against domestic abuse and educates others about abuse, especially her children who are of dating age.
Jaime found herself in a potentially abusive relationship and said she walked away from the relationship because she knew the signs.
“My job now is teaching them about healthy relationships, trusting the right people and taking things slow,” said Carol.
