For my family Thanksgiving is all about family. We gather together to give thanks to God for safe travels, family members and our health, etc. However, over the Thanksgiving holiday I was reminded of how strained some familial relationships are, specifically mother and daughter. An incident happened between a child I know and her mother. What happened isn’t important. What is important is how it left the child feeling and the stress children, especially daughters, feel when they have a problematic relationship with their mother.
Although it’s not optimal, it’s more socially accepted if a child has a strained relationship with the father. What people don’t seem to understand, at least on a societal level, is there are a whole lot of moms who aren’t good moms. I’m not referring to a deadbeat mom. People can understand that. What they can’t understand is when everything looks normal from the outside, but it’s far from normal once you peek behind the curtains. To be honest, it doesn’t take much pulling back of the curtain to see something is off.
The incident struck a nerve because I was a child with a problematic relationship with my mother — and I’m an adult with one. The guilt one feels when you don’t have the storied mother/daughter relationship is palpable. You’re always trying to try a little bit harder to be good so your mother will be a good parent. As if you have any control of her behavior, but that’s the kind of thinking that comes with being a child — a child who loves his or her mother and buys into society’s fantasy of mothers.
As a teenager and young adult, I can’t begin to count the number of times well-meaning adults told me “love your mother, you only get one,” “the Bible says honor your mother,” etc. when I mentioned the definite chasm in our mother/daughter relationship. I’ve even had friends say those same words to me or tell me “to get over it,” “that’s your mother,” or the best one of all, “stop being so sensitive.” Somehow the onus was on me to do the repairing as if I caused the problem. Not once did anyone stop to think (until I checked them) that this is something beyond your understanding. Not once did anyone ask me WHY I felt the way I did. It’s highly unlikely these feelings just appeared out of thin air, and it’s highly likely I tried and tried “to get over it,” “honor my mother,” “stop being so sensitive,” etc.
I also received “helpful” comments telling me how mothers and daughter don’t always get along, but how one day she’ll be my best friend. No one stopped to consider we had different experiences. The problem was much deeper than “not getting along.” Again, no one bothered to ask about the problem, but everyone had an answer.
No one stopped to notice the comments caused me pain.
As a child I was quite good at wearing a mask of happiness. As I grew up, I started to remove the mask little by little and become confident in the fact that my mother’s goodness wasn’t predicated by my behavior. It wasn’t about me. I could be the best child ever, but it wasn’t enough.
Of course this confidence still had (and has) plenty of holes in it. It’s a vulnerable space and easily eroded by well-meaning individuals with those well-meaning comments if I let my guard down. It’s a continual effort to not blame myself for someone else’s behavior or feel shame or guilt about this relationship. I try to avoid conversations about my mother. I find it’s best for all parties involved. That way feelings aren’t hurt or I don’t become angry when someone makes a well-intentioned comment and that person doesn’t become uncomfortable at my response.
Growing up, I felt alone. All of my friends had good moms. Over time, I’ve encountered men and women — and children — who share a similar experience. While this definitely isn’t something to feel good about, it feels good when you have someone who can relate and you can speak freely about your experience without feeling judged or blamed.
