When I ask people in our class, “What are some things you couldn’t get over in your relationship?” As I’m sure you can imagine, a whole lot of stuff comes out: infidelity, lying, abuse, disrespect, financial issues – all of these are voiced in one way or another. Then I ask, “Which one of these could be taken care of with communication?” After reflecting, the typical answer is “all of them.” Then I ask, “Without communication, how big could that list be?”
Communication is so very vital to a relationship; it’s the only way someone is going to know what’s going on inside their partner. “But if you love me, you should know!” Really? REALLY? I mean, let’s think about it: You’re both 30 years old, dated for two years and have been married one year. That means that only 10 percent of your experience is with your mate. Where is the other 90 percent? Past relationships, other people, family, everything and everybody else, and you expect them to know you. Percentage-wise, they just MET you!
Remember this: You fill in the absence of communication with your own speculations. Those speculations are based on your own experiences. Speculations then lead to you forming expectations, and the chances of that person fulfilling your expectations are very, very small. This brings about frustration, because frustration is always the result of expectations not being met; and all this because of the ineffective communication.
So, what is effective communication? I posed that question during one of our workshops, and after some thought (and a bit of frustration of my own, because I didn’t expect anyone to ask that), here’s what I said: Effective communication is when the impact of what you said matches the intent of why you said it. In other words, if I said something with the intent of hurting my wife’s feelings, and her feelings were hurt, then that communication was effective. But if that was not my intent, and her feelings were hurt, then my communication was not effective.
In the basic communication model, the message must go from the sender to the receiver, not only being interrupted by noise (which is anything that can get in the way), but also by passing through filters. As you can see, the largest filter is the receiver’s, and that is based on their experiences, listening skills, self-image, and their own interpretations. By the time the message gets to the receiver, it may not have any resemblance of what was originally intended. The only way to know is by the feedback that is given, so both the sender and receiver have a part to play.
Most people I have encountered feel they are good communicators. Why? Because they know what they’re thinking. (I have a sister who will, out of the clear blue sky, suddenly say, “And another thing…” or “You know what else?” I have to remind her I’ve not been privy to the conversation she’s been having in her head!)
Though difficult, though challenging, effective communication can also be very rewarding as the vehicle that allows you to connect, to get to every aspect of your relationship: finances, sex, family, everything. (And good news: As you both grow in patience, in love and in commitment, the longer you are together, the smaller those filters get!)
Chris and his wife Diane teach the “Saying I DO” classes at Eastern Star Church. They can be contacted through their company “Marriage Making Sense” at marriagemakingsense.com.
