Last month I received an invitation to attend a baby shower.
Doesn’t seem so uncommon, right?
Well the shower was for a 17-year-old girl who, along with her teenage boyfriend are expecting their first child.
I placed the invitation to the side as I contemplated whether or not to attend. The truth of the matter is I never go to baby showers where the parents are teenagers. While I realize that babies are blessings no matter how they get here or who their parents are, I also realize that teen pregnancies are a serious issue in this country and I’m careful not to send the wrong message by attending a baby shower.
The wrong message I’m referring to is the implications or examples we set to the other teenagers who may be in attendance at the shower.
What are we saying to the peers of the pregnant mother by showering her (a child herself) with gifts for being pregnant at a very difficult and inconvenient time in her life?
Does our support and gifts insinuate that everything involving the pregnancy is completely OK and acceptable?
Are we glamorizing something that at its core is morally wrong?
Are we perpetuating a stereotype?
Does our attendance at a teen’s shower tell the other children in attendance that if you get pregnant, you too can have a day where everyone caters to you and you get all sorts of cool gifts for yourself and the baby?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging any teen parent, nor do I look down at them. Being a parent is a very tough job and I understand that with certain barriers, it can be even more challenging. Instances where teenagers are parents, the challenges are even greater.
For that reason and the questions I posed, I simply refuse to attend teen showers.
I don’t attend because deep down in my heart of hearts, I’m grieving for that pregnant child (yes, teens are still children). I’m sad because I know as soon as her belly began protruding and the life inside her showed evidence of growth, she instantly became a subject of conversation and possibly judgment from others around her: her teachers, relatives, friends and even complete strangers.
I grieve for every pregnant teenager because while she may get attention from doctors and doting family and friends, I know that once that baby is born, her life will never be the same.
I know that if she is like most other teen mothers, she won’t have her own source of income to adequately care for that child. As a result, she will probably find herself receiving some sort of government assistance and having the state mandate what it considers a reasonable amount of money and other resources to effectively care for her child.
That teenage mother will probably also find herself at the mercy of her relatives to help care for her child.
And then there are the regular teenage things that a teenage mother may find it difficult to do because of her new baby. Things like going out with friends, not having to be responsible for anything except keeping her room clean and making good grades, or simply talking on the phone as frequently as she likes.
I grieve because I know teenage mothers lose what is left of their childhood and they are forced to become adults, even if they don’t yet have the capacity to understand what adulthood entails.
Oftentimes in the Black community, we tend to either sweep things under the rug or minimize their negative impact. Either is a major issue of concern and that is one of the reasons teenage pregnancy is on the rise in our community.
It’s timeout for the avoidance…let’s do a better job of dealing with the harsh realities of this world and within our community in a very apparent and realistic manner.
While babies are indeed blessings, having one at a very young age is a mistake. The baby isn’t a mistake, but the act that led to the baby being conceived and not practicing safe sex are mistakes. Our children need to understand that before they even begin having sex and especially after they have had a child.
Although mistakes can be challenging and sometimes even embarrassing, they are not total busts…as long as you learn from them.
Part of the education of learning from our mistakes is never repeating them. Having one child as a teenager is a problem, having multiple children during one’s teen years is just stupid.
We can’t ignore the seriousness of the offense of teen pregnancy, nor should we glamorize it. A happy medium would be to deal with the situation by being honest with the pregnant teen, but also careful not to make it seem as if life is a big party. If I were a parent of a teenage child who became pregnant or helped the young lady get pregnant, the last thing I would do is throw a party or shower. Nope…my daughter or son would have to begin being an adult even before the baby was born by working (in some capacity) to buy the essentials for the baby.
It may sound harsh, but that’s the road I would take if I had children and she became pregnant or he got a girl pregnant.
The reason I was so conflicted about attending the shower is because of all the reasons I mentioned in this editorial as well as the fact that the young lady is a distant relative of mine.
So what did I do?
A compromise. Fortunately duty called, so I had an event I needed to attend the same day of the shower, but I did stop by briefly. I didn’t buy anything for the baby, but I did get a small something for the mom, which was still difficult for me.
When I arrived, everything I thought would occur, did. The teenage “couple” was at the head of the room sitting alone together. Everyone was serving them, at their beck and call and giving them extra attention.
The two parents looked elated…you could tell they felt special.
My heart ached.
As I left before the shower was too far under way, I thought to myself how great it would have been if those two children had those same “special” feelings before becoming pregnant.
Perhaps if they did, they would not have found themselves in the situation they currently face.
You can email comments to Shannon Williams at shannonw@indyrecorder.com.
