It’s parent teacher conference day. A time when parents and their child’s teacher gather in order to foster better understanding between them and/or to organize activities on behalf of the school.
The teacher is explaining to the mother of a 9-year-old boy how he could improve academically, if he actually did his assigned homework. The mother abruptly interrupts her and says, “I do my own thing and he does his own thing!”
The parent acted as if the teacher was responsible and took no accountability.
“This is the society we now live in,” says Lorraine Blackman, associate professor at the School of Social Work at IUPUI University College, after explaining that scenario in disbelief. “It’s the parent’s job to raise the child into a responsible, successful adult. When they don’t, it falls into someone else’s hands.”
Parents should not be the authoritative figure in their child’s lives. Parents should be their child’s friend. That’s what this generation is hearing from society, Blackman said.
“Parents don’t know anymore how to provide leadership for their family. They can’t lead them trying to act like their peers. Children need someone to say do this or that,” she continued. “No one wants to be the responsible individual in the household. At some point someone has to be responsible.”
Blackman notes that parents don’t feel that spanking their child is their decision anymore. They use the method of time out, conversation, or what suits the child best.
“Children shouldn’t be the decision makers. We are asking kids if they want to go to school, what they want to eat. The school sets a uniform policy. The students’ don’t want to wear it, so parents protest on behalf of the students. Kids cannot grow up, be happy and successful adults making these decisions for themselves,” said Blackman.
Dr. Kathy Johnson, professor of psychology at IUPUI University College, says parents not taking responsibility can affect the child.
“It is difficult for a child or teenager to cope with a parent that is emotionally immature. Some teenagers may take on the role of being a parent, which can be stressful. It can be hard for a child to develop a loving, attached relationship with a parent that cannot be trusted to consistently provide support or security,” said Johnson.
Looks can deceive
It’s no secret that the culture we live in constantly bombards society with media messages of looking and feeling young.
The American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery reveals that Americans spent $10 billion on cosmetic procedures in 2011. Of that total, $6.2 billion was spent on surgical procedures; $1.7 billion was spent on injectable procedures; $1.6 billion was spent on skin rejuvenation and $360 million was spent on other nonsurgical procedures.
Now teens are not the only ones trying to stay on top of the trends. Parents are right in line too, trying to snag the latest fashions or boyfriend.
“You often see the mother and daughter trying to date the same boy, because the mother is competing. These are troublesome behaviors,” said Blackman. “That’s why we are seeing the sexually transmitted diseases, young pregnancies and the lack of academic success. Adults can’t handle their responsibilities because they are living in the past.”
Johnson proposed that society may be sending mixed messages to adults, but ultimately we have the ability to control our own emotions and pursue particular goals or ideals.
“Most theories of adult development maintain that as we age, we tend to be less influenced by popular culture and more able to self-regulate,” Johnson said. “At the same time, notions of adulthood or maturity are heavily culture-dependent, and in our culture the notion of youth is idealized. It’s therefore not surprising that some adults may aspire to look and sound like these ideals.”
In the past women in certain age ranges dress and spoke a certain way.
“There are no set standards anymore for adults. Now all the fashion magazines and messages from the media say it’s up to the individual. ‘Follow your own heart and pleasures’ are the messages coming out.” Blackman said. “Kids are growing up too fast and adults want to be forever young.”
Act your age
Research shows that when trusting relationships are developed between a parent and child they are less likely to engage in drugs and sexual activity. Trying to be your child’s friend could further negative behavior.
“Parents might think they are hip and cool, but the kids think the opposite and see right through it,” said Bill Stanczykiewicz, president and CEO of the Indiana Youth Institute.
According to Stanczykiewicz, the Indiana Youth Institute developed a focus group with Indianapolis Public Schools asking high school students should adults put text messages or speak in youthful or hip language. Teens replied saying, “don’t even bother. We see right through it. It’s a turn off!”
“Kids just want you to be real. The best thing we can do as adults is be present and speak into their lives. If you are changing the way you dress or talk, that will be a barrier between yourself and the teen. Research shows kids want guidance from the adults in their lives,” he said.
Surveys reveal that children wish their parents talked to them more, listened or gave guidelines. Girls engaged in sexual behaviors wish someone had taught them to say “no.”
“They won’t always say it to our faces, but we know it to be true. Hear from their perceptive. Listen, and listen some more. Kids need to know that you care before they care what you know,” Stanczykiewicz said.
Beauty is aging
Almost by definition, maturity means that we have the capacity for empathy and to love others in a selfless way – both of which are necessary for parenting and maintaining a committed relationship.
“Adults who are emotionally immature tend to be more impulsive as well as more focused on self-gratification. Neither of these characteristics is ideal when one is a parent or in a committed relationship,” said Johnson.
If they continue to be physically, socially and emotional immature they cannot enjoy the beauty of life, Blackman explains.
“Each of the developmental stages have their interesting points or beauty. Adults who continually act like adolescents will miss the beauty of being adults. Little girls acting like grown women are missing the milestones of being adolescents.”
According to Blackman, personal behavior reaches out into society, which can cause chaos, not only in the home but also in the community.
“Perhaps it’s time for us as a community to decide whether we want to stay on that road of confusion. Are we ready to cope with the seasons of life? The question is how can we live more productive, and leave better legacies at the end of our life,” Blackman said.
Johnson continues saying this “forever young” perception for some may never be resolved – it’s tough.
“Others may find their way to acceptance after a crisis, such as losing a job or a spouse. Being a religious or spiritual person may help, as being part of a community entails self-sacrifice and empathy. The key to resolution involves developing a better understanding and acceptance of the self, perhaps through coaching, therapy, or simply being more reflective,” Johnson said.
Parenting Classes
IUPUI University Campus will offer two session Parenting Classes on Oct. 22 and 29 from 6 to 8:30 p.m. The classes are free to the public.
For more information contact Sylvia Cunningham at (317) 278-7323 or email iupuialc@iupui.edu.
