Have you ever been hurt by someone? I mean one of those hurts where you’re bothered so badly that you want to get back at them? That you maybe want to do something to them? That you wanted them to hurt at least as much as you did?
In Proverbs 17:9, there is a reference to love being fostered when an offense is covered. This refers to forgiveness. Love is willing to forgive. Love doesn’t seek to hold grudges. Love doesn’t want to keep those same feelings of ought against our mate that can bring the relationship to its knees. When you love someone, you forgive them.
Forgiveness — Deeper dive
So let’s take a deeper look at forgiveness. What is it? What does it even mean? The Free Dictionary says forgiveness is “To give up resentment against or stop wanting to punish someone for an offense or a fault.” Merriam-Webster adds it is “To stop requiring payment of something that is owed.” Both of these are important, because that feeling that someone owes you something is essential to understanding forgiveness.
I asked a group of high school students in one of my classes what it would take for them to forgive someone. Most of them (well, those who said that they would do it at all) said the first thing that had to happen before they would even consider it is that the person would have to ask for it. The offending party would have to come to them and be sincere. Can you relate to that answer?
Does someone really have to ask me in order for me to forgive them? Quick answer, short answer, short word: No. Remember, I own it, and that other person really doesn’t have a say in what I do with what I own. It may be easier for me to let it go if they have come to me with sincerity, but it’s still up to me. So I can forgive someone without them ever saying anything to me. As a matter of fact, they may still be gloating or even bragging about it. That still doesn’t mean that I can’t forgive them.
The purpose of forgiving
Now that we know what forgiveness is, we need to understand why we need to do it; what is its purpose? It’s simple. The main purpose of forgiving is so we can move on. Even as we look at the definitions, it’s easy to see that we’re the ones who own it: we give up resentment, we stop requiring, we let go. It’s up to us to either do it or not do it. But what may not be obvious it that it takes energy to not forgive someone. That resentment, the desire to punish, the requiring of payment, all of those are things that use up our personal resources. We’re truly the ones being held captive.
I read somewhere that “not forgiving is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” I wish I had made that up, because it is exactly like that. In essence, it’s holding something negative inside you, eating at you, causing all kinds of problems, because you want someone else to feel bad.
As love matures, we should be looking at how to make it better, more sustaining. Being able to actively forgive is essential in making that happen.
Chris and his wife Diane teach the “Saying I DO” classes at Eastern Star Church. They can be contacted through their company “Marriage Making Sense” (marriagemakingsense.com).
