Breastfeeding or bottle feeding? Pick up a crying baby or let them cry it out? Public school or private? Mothers begin making decisions for their children during pregnancy, and they never stop. While women’s different parenting positions can be a source of contention among mothers, there is some common ground all can agree on.
Though their motherhood experiences have differed from one another, Indianapolis mothers Tiffany Cooley and TaNisha Lewis have a lot in common, such as how they describe their experiences with motherhood thus far. When asked to describe her motherhood in one word, Cooley said “gift”; Lewis said “blessing.”
Becoming mothers
“I can’t say that I always knew I wanted to be a mother, to be perfectly honest. I thought I’d move to New York and have a penthouse and become a jazz dancer,” Cooley said. “As I got older, I started to wonder what (motherhood) would be like.”
Cooley’s eventual journey to motherhood was a dangerous one, as she came close to tragedy during both of her pregnancies and deliveries. She calls her 8-year-old daughter and her 2-year-old son her “miracle babies.”
When she was 31 weeks pregnant with her daughter, Cooley realized something wasn’t right.
“Something told me to get up and pray, in the middle of the night,” she said. “I got up and began to feel this really terrible pain.”
After arriving at the hospital by ambulance, doctors could barely hear her daughter’s faint heartbeat. Cooley’s 2-pound baby girl was delivered by Caesarian shortly after.
“They said she was seconds away from death. That’s how close it was. I had a complete placental abruption, so she wasn’t getting any oxygen.”
Years later, when Cooley was pregnant with her son, everything was on track. She’d had all of her ultrasounds and was readying herself for birth when her doctor’s office called to confirm an ultrasound appointment that had been mistakenly left on the books after Cooley previously rescheduled. She decided to go in for the scan.
By chance, Cooley had been reading about an extremely rare complication called placenta accreta. At her ultrasound, Cooley asked the technician about the condition.
“They kind of laughed about it, like ‘Why would we be looking for that?’”
But they saw something abnormal on the films. Cooley’s placenta had grown through her uterus and attached itself to her bladder. Instead of proceeding with her planned delivery, she was taken in for a major surgery.
“Had I not gone in for that ultrasound, they said I probably would’ve bled to death (while delivering),” she said.
Lewis says she always knew she wanted to be a mom, “and I always knew I wanted a lot of kids.” She is now raising five children. Three of her children are biological daughters ages 10, 18 and 20. She is also the adoptive mother of her sister’s two children — a 10-year-old girl and a 16-year-old boy.
Though she’s completely happy with her family and how they came to be together, Lewis said not everyone understands.
“We have a blended family, and people believe and see what they want to see. It’s not easy having children who are not biologically yours. I’ve been a mother to many, and once I take you in, I don’t separate … But people have said, ‘That’s not your daughter, that’s your niece.’ Or things like that.”
She also experienced issues with state regulations while she was a foster parent.
“What I’ve run into as a foster parent and an adoptive parent, from other races, is maybe a misunderstanding of the way we raise our children,” she said.
At one point, Lewis said she downsized to a three-bedroom home. Her two oldest daughters shared a bedroom, her nephew had his own room, and the two youngest girls (who were babies at the time) shared a room with Lewis, who was single.
“When the caseworker came in, she couldn’t understand that. I know there are several rules and regulations, but we were fine with that,” Lewis said. “In the Black community, we can be very close-knit. If Grandma needs to be taken care of, we’ll make the dining room a bedroom. That’s just how we are.”
Lewis ended up having to move to a home with more bedrooms to satisfy the state standards.
Confronting challenges
Even though she’s a licensed parent educator, Cooley said she still can’t escape the worry that she’s not good enough.
“It’s a daily struggle, and you’re always wondering, ‘Could I have done better? Am I getting it right?’” she said.
Lewis said the wide range of ages among her children gives her a unique opportunity to do what many other parents can’t.
“I notice a lot of grandparents kind of using the grandchildren to go back and correct things, and I’m able to do that with my younger daughters,” she said. “A lot of the mistakes I made as a young mom — I had two children before I was 21 — I’m able to look at some of the issues and have those not be issues with my younger daughters.”
One of the biggest motherhood challenges both Cooley and Lewis mentioned is finding balance. Cooley has a consulting company, and one of her services is helping women find balance in their personal lives and careers, but it’s still a struggle.
“I make a very delicate decision to spend a certain amount of time with my children, and that means sacrificing some things,” Cooley said. “I just don’t believe God gave me these two miracle children for me not to be in their lives.”
Lewis, who is a massage therapist and esthetician at an Indianapolis salon, said she’s learned the importance of spending time as a group, but also spending time with each individual child.
“I’ve had to realize each child is an individual in so many different ways, so I have to divide myself up to fit each child,” she said.
Tough topics
Lewis strives to keep the lines of communication open with her children, especially when it comes to discussing tough topics, like how the world can be an unfriendly place for people of color.
“Times have changed since I was a little girl. There’s almost no preparation for that,” she said. “I try to give them information and teach them things without emotion, but sometimes you just have to be honest. I’ve told them there are times that, because we are Black people, we will get the shorter end of the stick, or we will be prejudged. But I try to stay away from that.”
Cooley takes a similar approach with her daughter, being honest about the world but encouraging confidence.
“The truth is, we do live in a society where we have these issues, but I just teach her to do her part in making sure she is confident in who she is and that, whatever stereotypes are there, overcome them and shatter them with knowledge, your ability to communicate, your ability to show your worth,” Cooley said.
“Before I purchased white dolls, I had to purchase a Black doll on purpose, because I had to show her that what you see on TV and what the media tells you is beautiful, you have to first recognize that you, too, are included in this.”
Cooley said she’ll take a different approach with her son, something Lewis is already doing.
“With my nephew, because he’s a Black male, I deal with him much more. I tell him he has to be aware of where he’s at, he has to be aware of what he’s wearing,” Lewis said. “He has dreads. When he first got those, I had to tell him, ‘You are free to have this hairstyle, but some things may come with that, and you have to really be mindful of where you are and who you’re with.’”
Still, Lewis worries.
“I’m very afraid, every day. My biggest prayer is for him, as a young Black man, that he is not perceived in the wrong way or prejudged,” she said. “Some nights, if I watch the news and my older girls are out and things are going on, I’ll tell them you need to be at home or in a house, not driving around.”
She also tells her nephew to be wary of walking around in groups and wearing a hoodie.
“He says he’s not (afraid), but I know he’s affected by some of the things we’ve seen, like Trayvon Martin. I know those things have made a difference in who he is,” Lewis said.
Cooley’s son is only 2 years old, but she’s already thinking ahead to some of the issues he’ll face as a Black male.
“It makes me nervous for him to grow up in this society,” she said. “We just live in a world where he does have to be more cognitive than his white friend about being pulled over and about certain things.”
Like Lewis, Cooley mentioned her son’s hair as a potential source of trouble.
“My son has long curly hair, and I wanted him to have dreads, but I understand there’s a stereotype that says you’re a criminal or a thug if you wear your hair a certain kind of way … There are limitations on him being creative in himself.”
No regrets
Even with the challenges of motherhood, neither Lewis nor Cooley would trade it for the world.
“It’s unbelievable. I always thought I would love my kid to death, but it’s a thousand times what you even imagine,” Cooley said. “It completely changes your life. It defines you in a different aspect than what you probably ever imagined. It changes your decisions. Before, you didn’t mind driving faster down the street, but you get more nervous and more protective of your own life, because you know they need you.”
Lewis said: “I believe God gives us children as our gifts on earth, and when you look at them and can see yourself, they look like you, they laugh like you, they walk like you … that’s amazing. I’ve been given the honor to not only raise my children, but I was found fit to raise somebody else’s children. That’s a blessing.”
And they’re both constantly reminded how lucky they are.
“No matter how tough your day is, when those little faces come, and the funny things they say and do, nothing is comparable,” Cooley said.
Occasionally, Lewis thinks about what her life would be like without children, but she is at peace with the life she’s chosen.
“I’m just grateful. Sometimes I think if I didn’t have children, I could probably be in France or Jamaica, but then I see people who don’t have children, and I’m like, ‘Wow, they don’t know what they’re missing.’”
