That very title alone ought to be enough to get your attention. I was recently having lunch with a very good friend who is a highly successful Black woman. She is a fellow attorney, runs a major organization in town, is very attractive and is a great mom. Her only “negative,” as she would describe it, is that she is single and would like to change that. So with Valentine’s Day this weekend, I figured I would dip my toe into the waters of relationships and offer a few thoughts for some of you in the Recorder audience.
Now what makes me qualified to have this discussion? Heck, I’ve been happily married for seven years (to a very beautiful Black woman, as much as that may surprise some of you), and I come from a stable two-parent household where my parents have been together for nearly 50 years. So I have seen up close and personal how relationships can work and how relationship challenges can successfully be managed. I’ve also spent a good chunk of my adult life in professions that compel me to pay attention to the human condition and what’s going on around me, particularly journalism, broadcasting and, ironically, standup comedy.
First of all, I am always surprised at how many Black women say they cannot find a “good Black man.” They will say all the good Black men are taken, and those left over are either interested in other men or not interested in doing anything, like working. Well, it’s been my experience that a lot of that goes back to your college/younger days, when the young man with the job and aspirations was not your first pick. Instead it was the NGN that got your attention. (NGN stands for “No Good Negro,” by the way.) That’s the brother who looks like he just stepped out of a really bad John Singleton or Spike Lee film. He has a gold tooth instead of a Bluetooth. He speaks English like it’s a second language, and everything he does sets back civil rights about 100 years. So unfortunately, the good guy you could have had a long time ago is long gone and off with someone who appreciated him, and now the pickings are really slim.
Second, one thing I’ve noticed a lot of Black women (who end up with NGNs) doing is being so afraid of being alone they compromised their standards. More than 20 years later, I still find the film “Waiting to Exhale” very fascinating. Every time I see that film, I am shocked at how these very attractive, smart, successful women would make really bad choices. And I am reminded that fear is a very powerful motivator, and for some women putting up with the worst, NGN is preferable to being lonely.
With that said, the good guys are out there. But you have to have three things: high standards, patience and a willingness to “broaden your horizons.” You have worked hard to get where you are, and if you demand excellence from yourself, there is no reason you shouldn’t demand it from others. You do not raise the bar so more people can walk under it. Secondly, you have to be patient. If you shop when you’re hungry, you buy a lot of things you don’t need and regret later. And third, the most controversial of all, if you are a Black woman and will only date Black men, you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. Or let me put it this way: if you can’t find the product you’re looking for in one place, you need to either stop shopping there or go find an item of equal or better value.
Yes, I know it can rough out there, especially this time of year. But take my advice and don’t compromise your standards either out of fear or expediency; only an NGN will come of it. My wife didn’t compromise her standards, and neither did I, and we plan to live happily ever after.
Hopefully, you will one day, too.
Abdul-Hakim Shabazz is an attorney, political commentator and publisher of IndyPolitics.org. You can email comments to him at abdul@indypolitics.org.
