I beg of you to Keep going.
She has looked for the route to happiness in places both foreign and familiar. Her hope has been stolen from the grips of her embrace. I’ve watched her clench her fists tight and beat her tongue against the back of her teeth as love once again revealed itself to be fraudulent. She’s been called colorful names, but few fit the description of who she really is. In this type of fight, it can be easy to lose thyself. Angry, bitter, too much woman, too smart, lacking self-esteem and whore are just a handful of the adjectives hurled toward her back. Sometimes she can’t remember who exactly she IS. So she sits in the middle of her bed with what is left of her fight, trying to decide whether or not to exert more energy to life or to throw in the towel and allow life to exert its energy in her. The sass is leaving her walk and her dim-Light button has been activated. I know her face. I’ve worn her mask before. I have stood firmly at the door to joy and aimlessly wondered why it wouldn’t open up for me.
But Dear Queen,
I beg of you to Keep Going.
She has slit her wrists and forearms in search of exercising some of her free will. Comfort eludes her so she creates her reality with slight slices of broken skin. Suicidal thoughts have become a compulsive disorder that she soothes with alcoholic tendencies. How can one heal when they don’t even know what purge to begin with? There are days when she stands from the ashes of another night filled with insomnia-laden Facebook posts, and puts on her happy face to pretend for the world that she IS in control, all while walking in what feels like too big shoes and blurred, distant vision. Stress has put a dent in her forehead that has hidden her laugh lines. Guilt clouds her perception of self and she’s fatigued from her unpaid and involuntary teaching gigs of:
-teaching men how to love her,
– teaching friends how to treat her,
-teaching family how to support her,
-and teaching herself how to love…..herself.
In her life, love is not an instant ‘Just Add Water’ formula. There is a vacancy behind her eyes that reveals the fizzle of her glow. Depression isn’t a call for attention; it is a cry for emotional maintenance. I know her face. I’ve worn her mask before. I sat pill bottles on tables and waited to see which fear I had more of: Fearlessness or Fearfulness.
But Dear Queen……
You, who have been physically and mentally raped and violated, pillaged and plundered about. Your womb invaded with broken trust that you must live and breathe through. Using prayer and meditation, you’ve pleaded for the breakthrough that will save your life. You’ve put boots on the ground to find the Light in the middle of the dark Panic Room you’re always running into. Your trust has been broken into stained-glass pieces that cut every time you attempt to patch yourself back together. You’ve been cheated out of truth, monogamy and freedom of choice. Blackened eyes hide behind your shades and the saltiness of the taste of your own blood stains the recoiled thoughts you keep on mental replay. I know your face. I’ve worn your mask before. I’ve stood repentantly at the end of a 9MM barrel wondering what the outcome would be. For those of us who lived to tell our stories, I’ve seen it in you. We wear invisible badges only able to be viewed by the naked peripheral of like-lives.
I beg of you to Keep Going….
I wrote this for you…..Queen.
I wrote this to say the things to you that I may have been too fearful to say in person despite having seen weariness making a home on your face. I wrote this to save the rest of your life with words that you may always return to for reference. Know that not only am I still right here, but that you are not and have never been by yourself. We all have inner demons that threaten our sanity and produce versions of ourselves that we want no one to have to become accustomed to knowing. Feel no shame if the opening of your eyes sees you on the ground, down and out. Do not cling to defeat, even if you are scared to move forward or if your guardian angels find you cradling tears on your bedroom floor. Keep going Queen. Even when the children stop listening and the man that once showed you a flower growing from a pot of coffee starts to give you recycled filters with wilted weeds. Keep going Queen When work turns into more than just the place you make a living, but the where you escape to LIVE, Keep going Queen!
Someone out there is watching you. I am watching you! I am inspired by your fight, by your refusal to lie down and let the world screw you until you are useless and numb to its advances. I wrote this for you to revolt against the negativity that burdens your heart with calculated attacks. I felt numbness in my fingers for you. We are sisters, therefore when your blood supply is under pressure, I too can feel your pain. I saw your colors, breezing through the wind of my day to day motions, not knowing this was Earth’s way of closing your chapters. I wrote this for you Queen.
The one who is struggling to read through this without feeling like I am rewriting your life. I wrote this for the Queen who has too often toyed with the notion of giving up. She who has damaged belief that anyone will ever love you correctly. I loved and love you. For her with weakened flesh that has been hung out to dry and now no one is checking for your walk. Keep going Queen. You create your reality as much as you believe it was already chosen for you. Put more faith in yourself. I want you to remember the beautiful of the simple things!
You can’t control the actions of other people; all you can control is yourself and whether or not you ‘keep going’. You do not have to kowtow to life. You are resilience personified. You are a Lioness; you are a BRAVE force, not a wingman.
Your old wings are being removed and yes it might be painful to watch, but you are being fitted for a brand new pair. You are the spirit of the wind, not that which gets blown over. You are the Creator’s greatest work. The smile in the middle of the sun, you are a Sunray and a Rae of Light and a Rhea of Son and a Ray from a Nova, you are a Queen, B!!!!
And I beg you to Keep Going.
We are all painters. We pick the brushes we use and the colors we paint with. If we CHOOSE, we can sit and stare at a blank canvas and allow ourselves to believe we have nothing to offer it. Keep going Queen. It’s easier said than done, but it is doable! You are a game changer and a world leader. Forgive yourself as often as necessary and clench tight to the fact that in all cases, you did your best, even when hindsight says you could have done better. Change your future. Take control of your reflection. Love who and where you are, exactly, in this moment. It’s ok to look towards the future, but all we truly have is the right now. Your thoughts, no matter how big or small, make up who you are. Think in the positive. Act in the now. Believe in the possibility. And when all else fails, stand up, straighten your crown and remember a Royal is only as imperial as the trials she survived. If you are reading this, you have survived thus far.
So Dear You,
If I never told you before, I’ve always thought you to be courageous. I see your wings. I wrote this for your flight. I encourage you to push through your trials and trust that although feathers may fall, you have enough wind beneath you to stay on beat with gravity. Your eyes, so full and beautiful, have never seen this day before. So make the very best of it, even when it threatens to take you down. Show it how you get up…..no matter how hard the fall.
I beg of you to keep going. Keep grabbing for the Light within you and move towards the most truthful happiness you have ever experienced. And when the body gets tired, in its own natural chain of life, I release you to peace. Do not go to your rest, rather live abundantly and allow it to come to you. Even if it means I never get to see you again, the star inside of you will forever Light rooms. Know that you are everywhere, Queen! Be the definition of free. Unchain your melody, find silence and listen for the calls of peace. It’s right there within you; and I will forever Bee, right here next to you. All the way down to your very last breath.
I wrote this for YOU, Queen.
With sincere Love,
About Januarie York:
Januarie York is from Indianapolis, In and has been writing since she was a young girl. She started performing her poetry in 2003 and hasn’t looked back. Her colorful and descriptive poetry have allowed her to share the stage with some of her mentors and favorites, as well as create her own shows. She has released two spoken word CDs, one chapbook, produced two spoken word shows and is currently writing her first full length book. In addition to poetry, she has done freelance work for several local magazines and websites and is now the City Editor of Insight2Incite Magazine Indy. She also is a contributing writer for several blogs. januarie is well on her way to becoming a premiere and sought out writer of her time and has her performance eyes set on debuting a theatrical poetry show on Broadway, in the footsteps for For Colored Girls. Now is the time to tune in to this self-proclaimed “WomanOfTheArts” is.