Social and even traditional media has been buzzing over a photo. No, it’s not of Kim Kardashian or any other celebrity for that matter. The “Benjamin Button Special” is getting a lot of attention.
Using photos, Snellville, Ga. barber Russell Fredrick documented a haircut in progress on Instagram along with the message “So you wana act grown…well now you can look grown too.” The pictures are of his son, Rushann, sporting an “old man haircut.” You know, bald on top and hair on the sides and back.
Fredrick threatened to give his son the haircut if he didn’t straighten up and fly right.
“I shaved his head completely bald and said if he didn’t improve his behavior, he’d get the cut. The fear of getting it was enough for him,” said Fredrick.
The A1 Kutz employee also offered the old man haircut to local parents of naughty kids free of charge. For the record, Fredrick gives free haircuts – normal ones – to kids who get A grades.
Creative or cruel?
Old man haircuts; forcing kids to stand on street corners holding signs explaining their wrongdoings; a sharpshooting father posting a YouTube video emptying nine “exploding hollow-point” rounds into his 15-year-old daughter’s laptop after she wrote an expletive-filled Facebook rant accusing him of making her do too many chores.
These are just a few examples of parents publicly shaming their children for bad behavior. Is this acceptable discipline, or over the top?
“I think it’s hilarious,” said local resident Andrew Williams.
“Sometimes parents have to get a little creative with their kids in order to get them to act right,” added resident Temica Locke.
Parenting experts say while kids will do foolish things, they disagree with public humiliation used for chastisement.
Joycelyn Rose, an advisory board member and stakeholder of the Indiana Healthy Marriage and Family Coalition Inc. said punishing children in public is nothing new. She said children acting up in a grocery store, for example, should be scolded. However the difference between 30 years ago and today is, “you got scolded with some discretion. And parents laid a solid foundation so they didn’t always have to carry out radical threats.”
Shirley Alexander, also an advisory board member and stakeholder of the Indiana Healthy Marriage and Family Coalition Inc., believes the goal of discipline is to bring to a child’s consciousness that certain behaviors or acts are unacceptable. Publicly shaming a child does not teach the child a true lesson, she said.
“You did something that’s inappropriate. The key word is did,” said Alexander. “Kids are not always clear on the inappropriateness of an act. You did something wrong, therefore I’m going to do this action to help you remember not to do it again. But when you shame, it’s not the action you’re dealing with, it’s the human being. It’s not about the wrongdoing— now it’s ‘I’m wrong.’”
Dr. DeAnn Harvey, a behavioral specialist at Franciscan St. Francis agrees.
“When you shame a child, you’re going toward their character, their self- esteem, not the behavior itself,” added Harvey. “Self-esteem is harder to fix than behavior.”
Harvey also said it doesn’t matter the age of a child, public shaming attacks a child the same.
The Recorder went to social media to pose the question, “Would you publicly embarrass your children?”
Pam Bass and Danielle Griffin stated they believe it was not only wrong, but represents a form of child abuse.
Wanda Gibson said she understands how harmful child public humiliation can be and disagrees with posting punishments on social media. Yet, she maintains that today parents’ rights to discipline their children are being scrutinized and taken away therefore parents have to come up with something different.
Experts and society both believe shame-based punishment is not for the child, but for the parent. The act showcases an ‘I’ll show you’ or ‘see what craziness I can come up with’ attitude.
Perfecting punishment
Alexander said she’s not downing parents or wants to stifle their creativity when it comes to disciplining their children, but says publicly shaming kids, especially using such imaginative ways like the “old man haircut” and actually carrying out such acts, stems from frustrated parents. To avoid desperate measures, discipline starts with the parent and setting a good foundation should take place well before any offense.
“Were there ever clearly defined expectations of behavior and boundaries for the child, from the beginning,” Alexander asked. “Does the child understand there is a code, value system, something in the family that sets the foundation that says ‘this is right and this is wrong because…’”
After setting expectations, Rose said parents must reflect the family belief system and consistently set a good example.
“Your bill collectors call and you say to your child, ‘tell them I’m not here.’ Then when your child lies to you, you’re mad! You taught them, there are times when it is OK to not tell the truth,” said Rose. “And I do this; I ask myself ‘what part did I play in my son acting a fool?’”
Harvey said when you look at the act of shaming, her studies show that shaming doesn’t have an effect on changing behavior –consequences change behavior. Also, public humiliation is harmful and doesn’t help correct the behavior long term.
Finally, discipline should address the behavior and be fair, she said.
“Sometimes we pick a punishment or tactic that is easy for us to do. It might get rid of the behavior that minute, but what have we developed in the long run,” said Harvey.
Other parental advice includes understanding healthy child development and implementing age-appropriate punishments.
“For example, you have a 2-year-old child. As much as you love them, they flip because they’re trying to gain their independence,” said Rose. “If you understand this is part of natural growth, you won’t be as angry when they cry. You need to redirect and use the moment to teach them. And if you can’t stand the crying, the appropriate thing to do is walk out the room.”
When it comes to shame-based punishments, experts encourage parents to ask themselves how far are they willing to go when it comes to disciplining a child they are supposed to love. They know there are kids who, no matter how you discipline them, are going to make the wrong choice. The key is finding healthy ways to rear kids – shame is not the answer.
“And once you get way out there, where else are you going to go? How are you going to top yourself,” asked Alexander.
Rose said there is no handbook for parenting and suggests parents and caregivers work to provide more of a support system for one another and raise, healthy, happy children.
“I heard someone say ‘we can’t hire enough police officers to do what should be done in the home.’ It’s up to us to teach children right from wrong,” said Alexander.
