As I sat in the pew at church last Sunday, I knew I was going to get precisely the words I needed to hear from my pastor that morning. I didn’t know what he was going to preach about, but I knew the message was going to touch me…it always does when I go to my beloved Zion Hope Baptist Church.
Perhaps this particular Sunday I was convinced of the strength of the message because honestly, I didn’t want to go to church that day and I knew the fact that I made it, guaranteed a healing word. You see, it had been a long week that ended with a two-day business trip that consisted of meetings six to eight hours long. Upon my return to Indy Saturday afternoon, I only had a couple hours to relax before I had to leave for a speaking engagement that evening. The fact that I made it to church (the early morning service too) – as physically exhausted as I was, was a true blessing.
The blessing began to manifest as my pastor, Tony McGee recited the title of his sermon: “rejoice in rejection.” I wiggled in my seat, giggled a bit and said “woo” because I knew that was going to be a strong message.
As the pastor spoke he explained that sometimes when we feel rejected, we can beat ourselves up or feel down in the dumps. Some people even resort to complaining about their rejection.
Ironically, last Sunday was Father’s Day and my biological father has rejected me and my siblings nearly our entire lives. I have never complained about the rejection mostly because we had an incredibly strong mom who provided enough love for both a mother and father a million times over. Instead of complaining, I generally wonder in amazement how someone could abandon his own flesh and blood without truly making a concerted effort to have a relationship with us. It amazes me how a parent (male or female) can simply disregard their children as if they never existed. I give geese crossing the street more respect than that.
Despite what stereotypes may lead one to believe, deadbeat dads are not only the poor, uneducated or oppressed members of our communities, but they are also individuals who are high-earners, educated and considered leaders in their respective areas. My father happens to be categorized with individuals who “should know better,” the ones who are educated leaders. In the Illinois city where he lives, my father is a highly regarded man who is known as a mentor to the hundreds of youth he has encountered throughout his 50 – plus year career. He is a local legend of sorts, which makes his behavior all the more baffling to me. His public persona as this great mentor and leader is a stark contrast to aspects of his personal life. It is hypocrisy at its finest.
My mother never spoke bad words about our father. She never degraded him, nor did she manipulate our young minds to think a certain way about him. As I matured and became more inquisitive, I started initiating conversations with my mother. I would ask specifics, the “whys” and the “hows” and she would answer my questions. My mom passed away 13 years ago, so now that I have matured even more, I often think of new questions I wish I could ask her. But instead, I ask myself, “why bother?” It is what it is. Our father has been absent from our lives for decades and I don’t see that changing.
Aside from casual updates about him from his family members, I know little about his day-to-day life and I’m OK with that. I am not bitter, nor do I languish in hurt and despair. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and I know my life has been incredibly fulfilling and blessed. I can rejoice in the rejection from my father because my life may not have been as positive and fulfilling had he been in it.
Despite how it may appear, my intentions are not to use this column as a bash-fest at my father’s sake. Rather, it is intended to be a motivator for individuals who are mothers and fathers, yet abandon their children. Know that you can make a difference in your child’s life regardless of how long you’ve been away or how scared you may be of your child’s reaction. There are millions of children in this nation who have absentee parents and that is a major problem that must be addressed. We all should be accountable for our actions, our transgression and yes; our children.
There are so many hurting children in this country. Children who don’t know what it feels like to experience real love. Children who are rejected. I was fortunate to have an incredibly strong mother, but not everyone gets such a privilege.
So, I hope this column serves as a call to action for absentee parents. During his sermon, Pastor McGee referenced Ephesians 4:29: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” This column is in hopes of making someone a better person by accepting responsibility for all aspects of their life. As the good book says, our reward in heaven will be great if we act according to God’s way.
To all the children and adults who may have an absentee parent, or even someone who has been rejected by a significant other, their employer, or their friends; I will end with the words of my pastor:
“Because of who I am and whose I am, I can rejoice in rejection.”
