I have never been real good at finding things. I usually lose my car keys at least twice a month (I once found them in the refrigerator) and I generally avoid the mall to spare myself the embarrassment of finding my car upon leaving.
Despite that, I have reluctantly decided to join the search for the Indianapolis Colts offensive unit which has been incognito now at an undisclosed location for three weeks.
I have tried everything to find them, from bloodhounds, to placing their collective faces on the side of a milk carton, to private investigators, you name it. To date, none of my efforts have panned out.
They were rumored to be appearing Sunday night at Lucas Oil Stadium for a game against the Pittsburgh Steelers, but it again proved to be a false alarm.
While waiting anxiously among more than 60,000 people, I did see the defensive unit and while they played with renewed spirit and great resolve in a loss to Pittsburgh, they too could not help me locate the offensive unit.
Even the coaching staff looked perplexed both during and after the game as the state wide manhunt continued, and with it now approaching one month, I am beginning to wonder if the Colts brass should go to the City-County Building and file a missing persons report (11 to be exact) in an attempt to bring trained professionals in to the mix and find these guys before the next game. I just hope they are safe and are not in any trouble. I mean it is rough out there, and there are a lot of things tougher than getting embarrassed on television every week. If they come back I think I have some good suggestions to restore vitality and respectability to this group.
Start with some basic pass protection blocking that would somewhat masquerade the lack of talent on the offensive line and hopefully keep yet another quarterback out of the hospital and on the field.
In addition, perhaps we can introduce the running backs and the tight ends to the Colts offensive coordinator Clyde Christensen and allow the bonding process between them to begin. Who knows, you might even draw up some plays that while simplistic in nature, get them involved in moving the chains. I know it is hard to conceive but if nothing else, give the legendary (but now exiled ) Tom Moore a call and ask your predecessor to send you some plays that just might generate a couple of first downs. There are some other things that can be done, such as hiring a massage therapist for the place kicker and punter (their respective legs have no doubt been overexerted in this touchdown drought) and if things get worse (if that is even possible) perhaps even a seance could be conducted in attempt to reach the offense as a last ditch effort before taking the field on Monday Night Football on Oct. 3 before a national television audience.
One thing is for certain, the defense which finally decided to end their hiatus against the Steelers cannot continue to log extended minutes on the field, so come on back offensive unit and we will give you yet another opportunity to make a fresh start, or better yet, a first down. Just stroll in to practice this week and allow the healing (as opposed to reeling) process to begin. We are a forgiving society, so a couple of good performances is all it will take for us to forget.
Who knows, if you play smart and leave it all on the field, you just might find yourself in the win column which could lead to another win, which in most circles is considered a winning streak. Think about it, what else do you have to do? Most golf courses are almost closed for the season, and while vacation rates to tropical locations are certainly competitively priced this time of year, you are being paid to produce, so please rejoin the team and try and put some points on the board. This search for you is getting old and we only have 16 games to locate you. Hope to see you soon, and if nothing else please write. We miss you and we look forward to your return.
Danny Bridges, who thinks Sherlock Holmes would have a tough time finding the Colts offensive unit, can be reached at (317) 578-1780 or at Bridgeshd@aol.com.