Last week a question was posed. Are you happy? With all of life’s hills and valleys, it could be said many adults take the time out to evaluate what makes them happy in life. But do they ever stop to think about their children’s happiness?
It’s a loaded question but one worth seriously thinking about. Children and teens in particular are often experiencing their “firsts” in life, a more demanding workload in school, more responsibility at home, that first break-up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, a wider range of friends to choose from.
So…how does a parent separate normal teen angst from knowing if your child is unhappy?
“An adult would say ‘my children are happy because I provide for them.’ The question is, are your children happy within a safe context? Does my child feel they belong to the family unit? Does my child know they are a valued part of the unit? Do they know what they contribute to our home life,” explained Alice Faye Williams, RN, CFN for the youth patient unit of St. Vincent Stress Center.
Experts say if parents really want to know if their children are happy or even what happiness to them truly means, it’s simple; just ask.
Students at Indianapolis Metropolitan High School (IMET) supplied various responses when asked if they were happy. One student couldn’t really define happiness, some attributed happiness to inner peace, and one girl says she finds happiness through her spirituality, another male student said freedom.
Although some teens define happiness in material items, what was considerably profound was that teens have a clearer sense of what makes them happy than most adults give them credit for.
“It’s not easy being a teenager now. A lot of people say ‘it ain’t hard; I wish I can be a teenager again.’ No…high school is stressful. Our school is no joke. And some students have a lot of responsibility like taking care of their brothers and sisters, paying bills. It’s not a cake walk,” explained student Sulaiman Talib.
Williams agrees with the senior student in that when parents think about their child’s happiness, they should realize times are different and what would have made a child happy 20 years ago does not necessarily translate into today’s definition of happiness.
From paying bills, trying to escape peer pressure, striving to attend college or even caring for children of their own teens today are different. Yesterday’s child was made to be happy with food, clothing and shelter, but as a counselor, Williams sees that what makes children happy is more independent, intimate, and more complex.
She suggests parents teach their children how to handle pressure as well as true happiness. She also believes children want acceptance and what better person to give it to them than their family.
“As time progresses and we have more opportunity, the expectation for provision is more. Adults have needs, but children do too. I also think a child can have happiness if there is more than one resource available to them. It takes home, school, spirituality; it needs to be a well-rounded experience for a child to be happy,” said Williams.
When it comes to happiness, parents should also know they do have influence over their children, they are listening, but ultimately, kids today want those who care for and about them to be reasonable and understand that they are chasing their own goals of true happiness.
“The way I look at it, you’re really not being selfish because that’s all you’re going to have for the rest of your life, that’s all you’re going to be able to depend on is yourself,” said student Dominique Davie.
“I care about what my friends and family think of me, but there’s a time and place for everything. A lot of adults say things to me that are positive, but sometimes it’s negative,” added student Celeste Furr.
Like the students at Indianapolis Metropolitan High School, kids today know that life is busy but true happiness for them also doesn’t mean parents compensating time, love and patience for material things. It makes kids bitter, lonely, resentful, and eventually unhappy.
“That’s not what the child is asking for; that’s the parent’s interpretation of happiness,” said Williams.
“I think the best thing to spend on your child is time and the best thing you can pay them is attention,” added student Thomas Gaddie.
Williams couldn’t agree more with Gaddie’s statement. She wants parents to know when it comes to their child’s happiness, parents should ask the right questions such as ‘how are you feeling’ or ‘how was school,’ pay attention to drastic changes in your child’s overall happiness, have clear boundaries and limits and give them an atmosphere of safety and love.
“A child with a happy adolescence grows into a well rounded adult. Hopefully they will use that as a model to raise their children; break the generational curse,” said Williams.
