Sex. It’s a topic that permeates every aspect of society from orgasm producing shampoo to partially naked models selling shoes. The topic of sex has shifted from taboo to one of necessity and parents are reflecting that trend in talking with their kids about sex.
Whether through discussion or silence, parents are the first educators of sex. Some take the opportunity to inform, while other parents refuse to let their children be as ill prepared as they were growing up.
Lamont Watson, father of Lamont Jr., 15, and Lamonica, 12, is the latter parent. Watson received his sexual education from his father after a confusing sexual experience, but chooses to be proactive with his children, especially his son.
“We always had discussions about things, but I think my parents were a little naïve about me having sex. I was always into sports so they were probably figuring, ‘I don’t see how he has the time,’” explained Watson. “With my son, I’m always talking to him about it.”
While some are in disbelief about the rise in sexual discussions due to escalating single parent families and HIV cases, Carol McCord, assistant dean for Women’s Affairs at Indiana University states generally, more parents are opening up with their kids about sex.
The message may vary significantly due to cultural, religious, or personal comfort issues, but parents are finding the words to make their point clear. Fostering an environment of openness is paying off because kids are responding to parents’ messages. McCord states that from her experiences with IU college groups, Blacks are more open to the discussion than whites.
In addition to parents even getting up the nerve to have “the talk,” sexual discussions are also shifting from an obscure warning-like message to one of specific frankness.
Like most parents, Watson reviews sexual material handed out by Lamont Jr.’s school and talks with his son about pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs); no longer called sexually transmitted diseases.
McCord agrees that parents should be covering the basics of sex but urges parents to understand “the talk” extends beyond sexual penetration. In the ‘60s and ‘70s the major topic was ‘VD’ or venereal diseases, the HIV/AIDS scare occurred in the ‘80s and today the big message is HPV, cervical cancer and vaccinations. In short, parents’ message needs to reflect the times.
In having sexual conversations, experts say parents should first understand that it’s up to them to make the first move. Using resources such as libraries, bookstores, or the child’s doctor, parents should become educated before talking about sex with their children.
Parents should also have sexual discussions as soon as possible beginning with the child knowing the proper names of body parts, such as penis or vulva, and good touch/bad touch, moving into discussions about puberty, sex, sexual abuse, STIs and child bearing.
Parents should also understand the difference between providing information to their kids and knowing that discussing sex doesn’t translate into encouraging sex. Seventeen-year-old Alexis Edwards believes it’s in the parent’s best interest to put their feelings aside and inform their children because kids are going to make their own choices.
“Whether they choose to abstain or have sex, at least kids have the information. It’s better for them to be prepared and know the consequences,” said Edwards.
In giving their child information, McCord further suggests parents use teachable moments, such as when sexual images occur during TV watching. It is also important to talk about the scope of relationships beyond the act of sex, admit when they’re uncomfortable yet willing to talk and ultimately discuss the purpose of sex.
“I encourage parents to talk with their kids about the fact that sex is good. We want kids to learn if sex is not good, something’s not working. If sex doesn’t physically feel good, you might need to get checked out or if you’re feeling uncomfortable, that’s your inner voice. Think about making those sex messages positive depending on what that means to your family,” said McCord.
For Watson the message of sex stems from abstinence, and he is soon preparing to discuss sex with this daughter. He prefers Lamonica’s mother talk about sex with her and plans to join the conversation giving a man’s perspective once the ice is broken.
“It might divide up how specific they get, but both genders should talk to both genders. Most of our kids grow up to be heterosexual so we want them to learn to talk to the opposite sex about sex,” added McCord.
In the exchange of accurate information from knowledgeable adults, many feel parents like Watson are on the right track by taking responsibility for their kids’ sexual health and encourage adults to continue talking with their kids about all aspects of sex, not forgetting about kids whose parental structure isn’t strong.
“Every child needs positive role models in their life, especially young men. So many of our young men are getting away from us,” said Watson. “You see the difference that makes in a kid’s life when they know they have someone to depend on, talk to and make sure they’re on the right path.”
For more information, visit the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists at (804) 752-0026 or visit www.aasect.org.
