Type the words “Black love” into the search engine on any Internet browser and billions of results will list. With a new TV show titled “#Blacklove” airing on FYI and a variety of other similar reality shows crossing the airwaves, it seems as if the world is slightly obsessed with Black love. But what exactly does Black love look like? Does it encompass just two African-American individuals, or is it more than that?
According to multiple recent reports, 70 percent of Black women are single and 42 percent of Black women who are in relationships are unmarried. Are the reasons behind these results the typical stereotypes surrounding Black women, which include being too strong-willed and too independent and having a long list of unrealistic standards?
To give African-American singles a platform to showcase their wants and needs in a romantic relationship, the Indianapolis Recorder Newspaper recently held its first Indy’s Singles submission. During this process, 80 percent of participants were female and 20 percent were male. We spoke with a few of them to gather their thoughts on Black love in today’s society.
Indy’s singles weigh in
Amesha Burton, 26, said dating has always been difficult for her as she travels often for both work and leisure. Burton believes the missing piece of Black love today comes down to communication and outside distractions.
“We let things like social media, opinions and stereotypes get in the way of our relationships. If we took all of those factors out, we could flourish,” said Burton.
She thinks women are more comfortable than men letting others know they are ready to mingle with other singles.
“Some guys feel as if they don’t need the publicity to find someone … or maybe they feel intimidated, but it doesn’t surprise me that more women than men chose to participate,” commented Burton. “A lot of women really want to find love and especially Black love.”
Burton finds often Black women are seeking Black men, but Black men are looking to date outside of their race, which in turn provides a shallow applicant pool of potential mates.
“I have a lot of male friends that date outside the Black community, and when I talk to them about it, they speak about highly educated Black women, but they don’t want that strong-willed woman. A lot of successful (Black) women have trouble dating because our men sometimes prefer a trophy wife or girlfriend outside of their race,” she said.
Luther Rush, 29, said submitting a profile to be featured isn’t out of the ordinary for him, as he likes to put himself out into the dating world. He believes Black love is missing an unbiased opinion.
“People go into relationships with expectations of what it is supposed to be. They may think, ‘Black women have attitudes and men are lazy,’ and so it messes up the chemistry from the beginning,” noted Rush, who believes singles should go into a relationship with a clear and open mind.
Although he has never dated outside his race, Rush said he is “attracted to the women he is attracted to,” and race doesn’t factor in much. However, he said he needs to relate and connect with his mate about Black culture.
Deandra Thompson-Grady’s profile was submitted on her behalf by her supervisor, as participating in the Indy’s Singles submission was completely out of her comfort zone, she said.
Thompson-Grady, 31, was previously married for five years, and in the past year she has migrated back into the dating scene.
She mentioned the entertainment industry’s influence might be a factor into why Black men desire women outside of their race.
“They see the NBA players and those in music videos with women who aren’t Black, and they want the lifestyle those people have,” she said.
Although Thompson-Grady believes love has no color, she desires a Black man in her romantic relationships.
“Black men are beautiful, they’re smart, they work hard, and I truly value that,” she said. “I have family members who have married women who are white, Latino and African.”
What the therapist finds
Overall, the Recorder’s featured singles say there are a variety of factors that can hinder Black love, but Donna Maye, therapist at Hope Haven Psychological Resource who specializes in trauma, mental illness and couples therapy, said relationships with others begin with the individual. She said she has found individuals looking for significant others sometimes have a wide scope of personal challenges.
“Some of them have problems with trust and have been severely wounded by past relationships. There are a lot of people who are broken, and until they treat that, they can’t move forward with a relationship,” said Maye. “There may have been some abuse and abandonment that hasn’t been talked about that impacts relationships into adulthood.”
Maye finds others simply have a hard time finding someone compatible.
“Women that are professional find it hard to find men of that particular caliber, and sometimes when they do they are white. These men don’t have to be Ph.D.-level, but they want someone that has a job, keeps a job, has something going for themselves (and) doesn’t have a lot of children or debt, and that isn’t common here,” she commented.
Maye is also aware of women who come to her office with a lengthy list of requirements for a mate, and she often speaks with her clients about what she calls “deal breakers.”
“When you’re that married to a long list of items you must have in a relationship and you have no flexibility, there is a bigger problem there,” said Maye.
She believes any list longer than five items raises a red flag.
“When you have 10 or 11 must-haves on your list of what you want in a mate, it becomes more about you and less about them and the relationship,” she noted.
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MEET THE 2016 INDY’S SINGLES
Amesha Burton
Age: 26
Occupation: IT security consultant
Interested in: Men
Zodiac sign: Taurus
Things you like to do in your spare time: In my spare time I love going to concerts, comedy shows, sport events or hanging out with my friends.
Characteristics of potential partner: God-fearing, not afraid to love, honest, great sense of humor, stable, career-focused, dependable, hardworking
Donald Lee Oldham III
Age: 28
Occupation: Insurance agency owner
Interested in: Women
Zodiac Sign: Aries
Things you like to do in your spare time: Coach soccer, play golf, listen to music, going to parks and concerts
Characteristics of potential partner: Positive, upbeat, active, fun, ability to find the positive in anything, energetic
Luther Rush III
Age: 29
Occupation: Head trainer at ThirdRush Fitness
Interested in: Women
Zodiac sign: Scorpio
Things you like to do in your spare time: Cook, exercise and write
Characteristics of potential partner: Intelligent, gentle, passionate, fit, well rounded and outgoing
Deandra Thompson-Grady
Age: 31
Occupation: Director of admissions
Interested in: Men
Zodiac sign: Virgo
Things you like to do in your spare time: Travel, I always enjoy experiencing a new city. Spending time with friends and family, I enjoy working out and I consider myself a wine enthusiast.
Characteristics of potential partner: Men who are sports fans (primarily basketball), guys who are “nice” (nice guys always finish first with me) and men who display the fruits of the spirit
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What single women find most challenging about dating
“Finding men who still have feelings for their baby’s mother is a challenge for me. They need to end those relationships before they pursue something else.”
— Deandra Thompson-Grady, 31
“I’ve found it very challenging to date, in the city of Indianapolis, being an educated and driven woman of standard who works hard, plays hard and is goal oriented. I’m not certain why the challenge exists; however, because of how I carry myself, I often experience the ‘men are intimidated’ factor.”
— Cassandra Dodson, 35
