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Thursday, March 28, 2024

What’s love got to do with it?

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Love. Luv. LOVE. L-O-V-E! “Makes the world go ‘round.” “Love and happiness … something that’ll make you do wrong; make you do right.” “That’s the way love goes.”

When asked, most couples will include “love” among the reasons they got married. But let’s assume that in order to get or stay married, you had to convince a jury of your peers that you really do love this other person. Could you do that? Would it be an open and shut case? Would they deliberate for hours, possibly ending in a hung jury? Or would it be thrown out for lack of evidence?

Yes, love is the basis for marriage; most won’t argue with that. However, a lot of discussion comes when you try to define it. In this first of a series of “love” articles, we want to discuss the different types of love to get us started on the same page.

 

Types of love

The Bible discusses three basic types of love: Agape, eros and phileo.  

Agape: If you’ve been in church more than two times, you’ve heard about this unconditional love, perfect love — God’s love. The love that says, “I love you no matter what you do or say.” If this is what you expect in your relationship, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Remember, this is perfect love. Neither you nor your partner is perfect. And how many times have you heard (or said!), “I love you, as long as you don’t (fill in the blank).” How can you put conditions on something that you’re saying is unconditional? Mind you, I’m not saying you shouldn’t strive for perfection, which will bring excellence, but don’t be upset when you find that neither of you are God.

Eros: This is a sensual, sexual love. Being based on senses, it tends to be more reactionary. It is something that is felt depending on the stimulation. This is where many of us get in, but the problem is we stay there. We don’t grow. If you find folks that are in and out of love all the time, even with the same person, this is typically where they are.

Phileo: This is the friendship, brotherly love. In classes we ask, “How long have you had your best friend?” Many speak not in years, but in decades. “How often do you fight, and how long does it last?” As you can imagine, even if there are fights, they don’t last long, and you get over it. And few, if any, have ever said they divorce their best friend. They just accept there are differences and move ahead.

So which one is the most important in a relationship? Answer: They ALL are! As I said earlier, we should strive for agape; that’s the easy one. But we need both eros and phileo. We need a lover AND a friend. I love the fact that Diane is my best friend, but I don’t only want her to be my buddy! (Big smile!!!) I know a couple that got a divorce after almost 30 years of marriage, and it wasn’t a surprise. They didn’t like each other. They couldn’t have a civil conversation. They couldn’t ride in a car with each other. People didn’t like to be around them for long. They were not friends.

The jury is filing back in regarding your relationship. What’s their verdict?

 

Chris and his wife Diane teach the “Saying I DO” classes at Eastern Star Church. They can be contacted through their company “Marriage Making Sense” at marriagemakingsense.com. You can email Chris at jchristopherhull@gmail.com.

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